Ignore my ramblings... I'll feel better later...

Okay, last emotional-type post for the week... I promise.

Do you ever get the feeling that you are compared to someone, or that you have to show a certain person that you are "good enough"? I started thinking about this thing yesterday when a friend of mine was frantically cleaning her house for a Children's Aid home visit. Hmm.. now, would these people see the "real her" or, the just-cleaned-the-house version of her?

But, I have to say that I am the same way. I frantically clean my house when I know that family will be coming. I want AMPLE notice when my MIL is showing up! It drove me nuts when she came to visit after the birth of my baby girl. The house was a mess, and I hadn't showered since the day before. I was in my mom clothes. Yeah, that wasn't something that was a Kodak moment. It's because my MIL is all about the "show". She may want the best for her son, but sometimes I don't think that I'm it when it comes to the house. She's never said a word, never commented, but I think I could see it in her. Who knows - it just makes me feel horrible. Maybe it's just the Finnish side of me, you know...the people who believe that Pinesol and Bleach shoud be the perfume of choice! :)

Anyway, a small comment was made to me today, reminding me again that I usually come in 2nd place to a certain person. Why do you say that? Well, this person is thin, and is attractive to the opposite sex. (Hell, I even dated someone because she was taken, and I was "close enough", I think it was because I was close to her, and hung around her)

I often wonder if I'm that way anymore (or ever was). Part of me wants to put my picture up at sites like www.amIhotornot.com or some such stupid place. But, I know that it's just a virtual meat market, and my fragile ego would shatter into a million pieces in that kind of venue. But, shit, I just hate being compared to someone. It's my mind playing tricks on me. I know it. The comment wasn't meant as a negative towards me, it's just that I know this good&sexy comment would never be made about me, and it frustrates the hell out of me. I know my strengths. Maybe it was because I wasn't noticed a bit in school, highschool or university that I have this need for positive reinforcement. And, lately, they just aren't there.

Okay, ignore all that crap. I'm such an idiot. I'm not going to erase it, but I don't want anyone to read it either! ARGH!

I just need a (few)good stiff drink(s). Maybe a little bit of loud music. That always makes me feel better. Why is that?

I promise, back to regular old me... tomorrow maybe...

Rella